The Dan Mallory Sob Story Generator

Are you a mediocre white man trying to get a leg up in the publishing industry as a backdoor to get a book deal? Well, you've come to the right place! At the click of a button, you can manufacture a tragic set of circumstances and mildly interesting tall tales to model your life around to engender undue sympathy (arousal?) from those around you and manipulate your way to fame and fortune.

First, begin lying early and often. Start with "life has always been hard for me," but be super about it. Remind everyone that you alone had to care for your dying , who had been long suffering from cancer, all while your mentally disadvantaged died in your care from at Yacht Club.

As if that weren't enough, have been keeping you down your entire life, you'll say. Oh, and your father is long dead! Tell everyone that they are welcome to verify this information by asking pop star and international sensation , your very good friend.

At this point, you should have already caught your big break and gotten a job at a small publisher as , but worry not! Tell everyone that you were actually an editor the whole time and that you were so proud to lend your young-person-sex-it-up-edness powers to the script of the hit novel by beloved funny lady, , and then bullshit your way into a 200k salaried editor position on the hard work of others. Who would possibly turn down your sexual advances now?!? , that's who.

But one day, you'll say, cancer has come for you as well, and it will be nearly inoperable due to its hard-to-reach-location: your . Your "brother" (you) will tell your colleagues all about the potential risks of the surgery: you may . But you've been through worse. You'll tell people that you were once locked in a bathroom for , so you've seen some shit.

And finally, it's time to really show the world what you're made of. It's time to show the world the new you, Anna Fox , and your faithful manuscript retelling of the long-forgotten 1995 film of minimal commercial success, , a connection of which you will never acknowledge. At this point, you can wield your rank within the publishing world to artificially start a sky-high bidding war for your manuscript starting at , fooling fellow publishers, the press, and movie studios alike into thinking they must forfeit all of their money for this once-and-a-lifetime unacknowledged book adaptation.

The best part? By the time all of your lies are pieced together, you'll be filthy stinkin' rich! Hash tag, worth it, baby! Congrats on becoming the rich asshole you were always destined to be.